[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
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I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
My Brain: HERE IS THAT NAME YOU ASKED FOR 6 HOURS AGO
Tried to straighten the wrinkles in my socks. I wasn’t wearing any.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.
#LunchPun
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.