Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.

I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.

[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob

I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.

Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.

My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?

*Flashback to 2014*

My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.

HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!

UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

waiter: is everything ok?

me: *bubble noises*

getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”

I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.

Order here:
More here:

Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.

Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”

Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat

so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy

When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all

It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.

Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.

“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them

DOC: We got your blood tests back

ME: Is it small pox like I thought?

DOC: No, it’s even worse

ME: What could be worse than small pox?

DOC: Big pox

ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it

I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.

Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag

Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.

A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.

I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.

Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*

Me: what are you-

Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!

Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!

[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut

Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!

is it too early for christmas memes