Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?

Hahahaa WHY!!??

Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.

Me: you forgot updog.

Yoga Instructor: what’s up-

Wife: -NOOOO!

You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.

[In meeting, puts cap on pen]

Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.

Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?

[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks

I know this now 😂

“Turn chicken shit into chicken salad” is a terrible saying. I still don’t wanna eat that chicken salad. It used to be chicken shit

Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.

Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!

-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.

You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.

MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.

The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof

When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.

Christmas combines two things I love the most, getting fat and lying to children.

The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.

Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them

People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.

People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.

Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.

Child: [crying]

Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?

Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!

Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.

Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.

Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins

Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%

my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?

My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.

Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B

Me: Hell ya I do

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.

Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?

God: *wearing bird mask* BOO

Caterpillar: o000ö

God: haha jk it’s just me

Caterpillar: oOOOö

God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT