Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.

American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.

Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.

The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror

Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too

When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…

If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.

Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.

If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”

If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach

4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?

Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.

4: Don’t you want to taste them first?

If you get butterflies in your stomach

You should probably stop eating insects

Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.

pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers

Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”

Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.

Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…

*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*

We just need them to keep making increasingly serious movies until we finally understand the character of the Joker, a clown who is mean.

Make new friends? bro out of what?

[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone

[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how

I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.

Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.

Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.

So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.

I’m really not seeing the down side here.

Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross

Spider: *very hungry* dammit

My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.

friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get

me: what do you mean

[2 hard lemonades later]

me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it