Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241

Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt

Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?

Mugger: no

Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(

Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.

Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?

Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring

dog 911: what’s your emergency

dog: there’s an intruder

dog 911: is he in your house?

dog: no, he’s across the street

dog 911: that’s not a problem

dog: what if he comes over here?

dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES

dog: SHOULD I BARK?

dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES

Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you

Two year old is in complete denial that her grandpa is my dad. She gets so mad if I tell her

Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.

I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.

You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me

These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.

Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.

It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.

My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle

A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities

“Wait, let me explain..”

Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone

Skeletor: *throws stone*

Jesus: HEY!

Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.

eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips

“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”

Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.

‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.

Sister: Why do you wear winter colors in summer?

Me: I dress like my personality. Cold and dark.

At conference w/ teacher

Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?

Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio

7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio

Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma

7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!

Teacher:

Me: what? That’s how I learned it

#Dadlife

ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth

We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears

Good morning!

Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?

Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language

Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*

You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?

Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.

A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it

Executioner: last words?

Me: pop

Executioner: we say soda here

Me:

Executioner: say soda

Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-

Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA

Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…