Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points

Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”

I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”

It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.

You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.

Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me

“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP

me: hey man you ready to go?

goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone

me:

goku: AHHHHHHHHHH

me: almost done?

goku: AHHHHHHHHHH

me: son of a-

[On the next episode of…]

Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?

What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision

Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”

Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.

RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?

ME (has a degree in computer science): No

[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]

day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenser

day 4563: wahey! water dispenser

Yep.

[ date ]

her: i have a PhD

zombie: *jaw falls off*

White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.

Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.

BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.

The Police have no lead.

astronaut: houston we have a problem

houston: what is it?

astronaut: my wife left me

houston: we only deal with space problems

astronaut:

houston:

astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space

getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you

The joke is on this spin class instructor.

My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.

cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding

me: fine

Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge

Sis:

M:

S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high

30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.

DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!

Hit me in the face with a bird

[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”

Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*

Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.

*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.

*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?