*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
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PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
In-person meetings at the office are a wonderful way to help your developers take a break from being productive
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs