@Aikiwomannc

*first date*

Him: You’re very interesting.

Me: Thank you.

Him: And fun to be around.

Me: That’s nice, thanks.

Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.

Me:

Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.

Me: Check please!

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None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.

@ValeeGrrl

Shoutout to moms leaving long birthday notes to their kids on social media when their child is both illiterate and not on social media.

@Marlebean

With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival

No one comes over anymore :/

@InternetHippo

What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea

@CalmTomb

Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.

@david8hughes

[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy

@causticbob

what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy

@2browneyedboys

me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower

prison guard: those are ramen noodles

@Huntermoore

Everyone knows if you see a white guy with dreads you punch them in the face