None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
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Shoutout to moms leaving long birthday notes to their kids on social media when their child is both illiterate and not on social media.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Everyone knows if you see a white guy with dreads you punch them in the face