*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
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The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
I’ve started using “good gravy” around the house as an exclamation, and guys, it’s going great.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
lol
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no