Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still

I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”

I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.

5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?

Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?

5:

Me:

5: I’ll borrow another dollar.

I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”

Welcome to Twitter.

Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.

The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.

[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick

The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”

Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”

-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…

Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?

Walmart after hours
Walmart after dark

Almost anything…

Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!

Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.

Wife: We need to talk

Me, absolutely panicking: What

Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter

“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”

I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.

I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat

me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard

I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.

OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM

This could be us but you eatin’

People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.

Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol

Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”

Yeah, don’t do that.

I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.

*At the magic show*

Magician: Now I need a volunteer

Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*

Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT

Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.

Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.

People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio