Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times

marketing people:

You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?

It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.

Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.

What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?

Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.

*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.

*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red

I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something

commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart

Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.

Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!

Him: …

Me: …

Him: …

Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-

Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside

someone: *obvious flirt*

me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice

also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE

Hey boy, are you a software update because not now

You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids

This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….

Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?

Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?

Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*

[ad for umbrellas]

[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]

“There must be a better way!”

Voiceover: UMBRELLAS

Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?

Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering

[interview to be a valet]

me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker

interviewer: you’re hired

Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.

My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.

“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”

How bout some chairs?

“That idea sucks”

A little pond to throw money in?

“Oh hell yeah”

When I was in elementary school, a boy told me he liked me right before smashing his pb&j in my face, and I have been chasing that high ever since

It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.

And also the truth that you’re a moron.

Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.

Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car

[wedding]

PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake

ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret

*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!

Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play

Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold