Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?

him: AI?

me: AI

him: oh

Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”

I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.

My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.

If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”

There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.

The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.

I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.

What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.

I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.

A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.

Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately

Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it

Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.

BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard

My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.

This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.

“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”

Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.

DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT

Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.

If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him

Apparently, my concussed brain found it totally acceptable to burst out with, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what we have talked about for the last 15 minutes so I’m going to leave. Bye,” on a work call, and then proceeded to hang up the phone.

Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email

I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”

I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.

T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.

T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?

T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.

Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.

Her: What do you look for in a relationship?

Me: A way out.