Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Cute baby, when was she born?

New mother: Yesterday.

Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.

Her: there’s something different about you

Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?

girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”

Me: I only want two strips of bacon.

Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.

Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about

In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.

[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad

[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho

[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]

wife: what’s he doing

me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family

her: what is it

me: i… just… told you?

[looking down from heaven]

darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on

Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.

Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS

It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.

How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?

Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?

I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

WAITER: is everything ok?

ME: could I get a spoon or something

doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day

also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week

there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them

“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”

“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”

I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.

[pronounces lasagna like bologna]

typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully

If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.

My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins

Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.

If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.

Me: I love you so much, you know that?

Toddler: *slaps me in the face*

Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”

LOL

*getting kidnapped

Me: Thank you.