Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.

[meeting girlfriend at the park]

Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!

Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.

My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist

A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.

[god creating jellyfish]

how bout an evil bag

You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!

A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.

[Olive Garden]

Me: *walks in*

Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.

Me: Huh?

Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.

[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one

My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.

fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg

stormtrooper: *sighs*

My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.

German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s

Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be

Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*

SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.

Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over

When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.

Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it

America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.

They grow up so quick

You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.

I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it

She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.

me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary

[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?

ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink

WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it

A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother