Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lifeguard:

Me:

Lifeguard:

Me:

Lifeguard: I’ll say it again. We don’t handle people who are drowning financially.

Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”

The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy

I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.

Bite me.

Guys it is ofc possible that I have misunderstood but I have just been told that the hotel I’m staying at for work offers ‘free 24 hour cheese’

I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”

*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure

It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane

It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”

“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.

Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?

Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.

her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?

me: it’s the little things that count

I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.

[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again

My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately

Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”

Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult

every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.

my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him

“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”

Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year

Hacker: I have all your passwords

Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.

Oh, you like Thanksgiving?

Name 3 pilgrims.

Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-

Some guy: Be rich?

Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it

Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing

Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.

Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.

Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.

It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice

have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood