Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[dies, meets god]
explain Florida

Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough

Guy: “I’m so hungry and there’s no game around.”
Me w/camera: *eating packed lunch*
“You can do it, dude.”

[Busy ER]

Patient: So what happens after this?

Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate

Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?

Me: Oh. Same.

Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?

BLEACH I MIGHT BE

You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second

The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep

It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today

Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free

It was so windy today when I was walking to the gym that I got blown into the wine store

Just found $27 in my washing machine, it’s a bad day to be an Applebees happy hour

“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”

And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony

I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.

Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it

I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.

My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”

Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.

PRIEST: Those are your vows?

Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes

I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.

There’s plenty of fish in the sea… For example, Christian:

Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof

Education is vital

I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.

it’s the silliest best thing

Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did

Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”

Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”

Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around

Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*

Me: THAT’S IT

Me: I like sunsets

Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say

Me:

Son: you’re also very pale

describing stardew valley