Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

woman in my gym locker room has multiple containers of fresh chinese takeout spread out on the bench and is just happily munching away

I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?

I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.

Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble

You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.

[first day as a baker]

boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?

me: you said to make donuts

b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!

m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too

*feels the music*

Music: “ew. no.”

“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms

Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*

ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic

I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.

Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.

Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.

*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*

interviewer: how’s your handwriting?

me: oh not bad

interviewer: what about the other letters?

“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”

All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.

My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.

As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind

my mom decorated the apartments for the cats

Job interview…

H- “So how would you describe yourself?”

Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..

Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.

Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.

“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”

[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing

Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.

I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”

My old roomate who is extremely offline found out that I had a Twitter with a few thousand followers and now just texts me when he thinks his thoughts are worthy of going viral

I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.

*Boyfriend gets in bed*

Him: Wanna fool around?

Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*

Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.

Husband: You should do the Calm app.

Me: You should do the STFU app.