Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.

My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.

I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?

I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.

-people that are about to start ugly crying

My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.

Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.

I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him

Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.

One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile

As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel

Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.

Narrator: she would never find it again.

My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?

For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.

banker: you’re spending more than you bring in

me: god forbid i’m good at something

ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?

GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.

If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?

To the bank

“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.

SCARY COSTUME

“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”

I slowly look up. My time has come…

Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned

*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house

Nah, I ain’t distracted.

Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.

When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying

It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney

Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?

Her: I can’t quite tell

Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves

Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.

I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.

*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*

•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive

*JOB INTERVIEW*

INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.

Sherlock Holmes and the Case of Who Keeps Pooping In My Driveway At Midnight I Know It’s A Person I Know What Human Poop Looks Like But Who Would Do That And Why Why The Driveway Exactly Plus Each Time They Poop A Little Further Than My Hose Will Reach So It’s Harder to Clean