Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe

When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework

Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat

“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”

One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.

if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night

My yoga instructor was drunk today.

Put me in a very awkward position.

Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance

2 years later

My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics

Everyone: We’re concerned about you.

Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?

Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy

If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you

First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.

HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]

it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way

[Watching the Food Network]

Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!

Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*

[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”

A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”

Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.

Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.

My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.

so no one told you life was gonna be this way

I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards

When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.

I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.

*stranded on a deserted island*

Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB

As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.

Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.

Always be yourself.

Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!