[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
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Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
My Brain: HERE IS THAT NAME YOU ASKED FOR 6 HOURS AGO
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
My life is fraught with reality
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
My Saturday was goin great til I realized it’s actually Sunday
Nicole Kidman said WHAT?!
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom
-Jurassic period Grindr
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!