[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
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Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
fr
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die