Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*

•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive

*JOB INTERVIEW*

INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.

HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*

Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest

My friends can barely make rent, but everybody on home buying TV shows is like, “My husband is a professional thumb wrestler and I’m a rubber duck designer. Our budget is fourteen quadrillion dollars.”

When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.

when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.

I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.

Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out

what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid

Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.

:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”

I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school

I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services

[my last day as a transplant surgeon]

Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”

inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome

inventor of vests: disagree

inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them

I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me

I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit

i’m still crying at this

When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.

Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.

Her: I think my fathers in jail.

Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.

More like Kate Missington.

you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.

they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them

As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..

Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?

Me: *long awkward pause* A while…

Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.

I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long

My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.

From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”