Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#KarenAndTheCat 😉

got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not

JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody

ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-

JOHN LENNON: not just anybody

ME: damn wow okay

My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.

It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child

I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.

Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.

[during sex]

me: imma turn the ceiling fan on

giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo

*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*

Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.

oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods

With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.

me: dinosaurs can’t talk

her: how do u know

me: they’re all dead, barb

[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’

It was a house fire.

I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.

[on a date]

Him: I love the law.

Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.

[using a dust pan for the first time]

Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked

I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside

Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.

*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.

they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis

I have a PhD

Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem

FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN

a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE

The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.

Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you

I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.

If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?

Oh, I went there…;)