[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
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GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Facebook memories be like
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
#milo
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
huge if true: the moon
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining