Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?

Me: I’m…

Wife: … no

Me: a…

Wife: … don’t

Me: *stares at wife* master baster!

I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.

Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.

Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro

they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer

Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…

You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.

Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS

Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!

When I’m driving past a middle lane hogger, I can’t help but take a good look at the driver, as part of my extensive research into what really annoying people look like

Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.

(flirting) sooo how do you feel about girls who are brooding, intense, and inherently off-putting in all social situations

Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.

Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.

5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature

5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird

There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.

I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.

invited to a party: will there be food?

to a wedding: will there be food?

to the gym: will there be food?

to an orgy: will there be food?

to an intervention: will there be food?

to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?

I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?

“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.

I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.

When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it

Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.

9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?

Me: Let me think about it

9yo: *gives me a hug*

9yo: Did that help?

Oh your baby’s name is Walter?

Is he close to retirement?

There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.

This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert