[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
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The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
“That’s what” – She
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
all that yoga finally paid off
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.