Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.

In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers

when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag

Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.

“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.

It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.

Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?

When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”

It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello

Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.

i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know

I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.

People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier

Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream

He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?

She: Roger

He: Does he bite?

She: No

He: How does he eat then?

feb 14: i love everything about u

feb 15: don’t breathe like that

Me: get murdered or die trying amirite

Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered

The Fast and the Furious.

– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.

publisher: tell me all about it

orwell: it’s about a farm

publisher: sounds good

orwell: with animals

publisher: naturally

orwell: and they’re fascists

publisher: of course

When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.

Eating wings is the opposite of flying

Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.

Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit

99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her

I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?

The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.

I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.

Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?