Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”

Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.

Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.

Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.

Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?

Me: when you’re a parent, you just no

I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.

I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips

[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.

I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.

[playing guitar in hotel lounge]

Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?

Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?

My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates

If your girl is always telling you, ‘Terrain! Terrain! Pull up!’ That’s not your girl. That’s the ground proximity warning system.

So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners

me: raises hell

Hell: put me back down!

my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents

The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.

[at hair salon]

Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!!

[in car two minutes later]

Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair

this is so top tier i cant

I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.

I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”

All is not a trick question. Apparently

I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂

The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.

My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.

Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?

Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ

Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?

Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.

The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.

Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.

[at an umpire’s funeral]

me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?

mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!

“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”

– idiots

My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?

Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES