Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.

Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.

I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.

“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?

Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???

Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..

Hips: No…. It’s his…

Me: Shut up Hips!

How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?

manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)

Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?

America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.

UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.

Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”

Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween

Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?

3:

Me: Do a puzzle?

3:

Me: Paint?

3:

Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.

3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]

My dad: Which highway did you take?

Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff

When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches

Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion

Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks

When I can she’s been typing her reply for 5 mins.

Him: You’re married?

Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.

Him: What about on Friday?

Me: Depends how Thursday goes.

How to end an interview:

1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN

I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems

People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks

“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.

It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?

To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.

My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.

I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.

I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.

Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.

Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?

marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.

me: goo goo gah gah

marriage counselor: no.