[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
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Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.