[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
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[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
With a text.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.