Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!

2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist

If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars

Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’

What do you mean there’s only 3 hours of sunlight left, I haven’t had lunch yet???

The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…

Him: How did he die?

Me: He was attacked by a group of crows.

Him: A murder?

Me: Well, he’s clearly not still alive, Kevin.

Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]

Raising Twins

Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?

Me: I literally have no idea.

I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.

[after a zombie encounter]

me: you gotta shoot me

friend: but what if we find a cure

me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please

You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.

[Dinosaur Rap Battle]

We’re gonna win this for sure!

“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”

WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen

Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”

I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.

GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:

I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.

[first day of astronomy class]

So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,

or do we draw straws?

Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)

What the hell did you order?

– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving

sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?

I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.

WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her

No one

Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.

ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed

COLLEAGUE: It’s not working

ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working

[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese

[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]

“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online

I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.

[aircraft carrier]

*paints a T on the helipad*

Captain: No it has to have an H

Me: Why?

*train sounds approaching*

Captain: Oh dear god

Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast