Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”

Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.

What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…

I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule

Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex

My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.

I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.

Cashier: do you need bags?

Me: do any of us NEED anything?

Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too

Me: plastic please

Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️

me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!

my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami

WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say

When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else

teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number

me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that

Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.

What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?

Put a bar inside Home Depot you cowards.

[mouse wedding]

PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE

[Applebee’s, 49 BC]

waiter: what would you like, sir

Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*

waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*

Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.

My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.

Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything

What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

*first time fishing*

Me: Ok now what

Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth

Me: orkay nrow wrhat

Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.

Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.

she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street

According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.

rest in peas