[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
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The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
normalize having existential bread