Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@rachiecandice

I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.

@ImTawanda

1. Africa’s the 2nd most populous continent on earth.So when U meet an African abroad,dont ask us if we know sme other African U met before

@PearlsFromMyrna

I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.

@pleatedjeans

[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s

@ThugRaccoons

[First day as a beaver]

Me: Dam.

@TomSchally

I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.

@Roy_oh_Roy

[creating the Minotaur]

Zeus: you want a bull centaur?

Pasiphae: yeah

Zeus: but pissed off all the time?

Pasiphae: yeah

Zeus: *thinks a while* so let’s just give it the front half of the bull.

Pasiphae: Wut?

Zeus: like a hairy Ken doll

@rockymomax

HER: I’m leaving you

ME: why

HER: u lie to me constantly

ME: ha! u don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula Amber

@FauxFawx

In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms