Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.

{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.

*has no idea what a book even is*

If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.

Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.

The best years of my life were ages 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, and 31.

I was in my prime.

Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.

[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife

I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.

Batman-

See, kids?

Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.

Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.

Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.

Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?

Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward

A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!

*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*

Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?

Boy: January 1?

Girl: Valentine’s Day?

Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.

Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.

There’s nothing like new glasses to make you realize you should get new glasses more often than every five years. Like, ah yes, trees have leaves. Birds. I’d forgotten all about them.

Me working remotely from home:

“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”

*moving laundry from washer to dryer

I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”

Sir. 😑

*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*

You cold, bro?

If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.

That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.

Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.

ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs

DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant

ME *scuttles closer*

DATE: 6 of them

Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh

Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.

That’s a lie.

On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.

I live by what I like to call “the £30 rule” where if I know something will bring me joy, I will not hesitate to spend up to £30 on it. this rule has both drastically improved my life and also put me in severe financial distress

I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!

[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]

Me: It’s muggy out there.

Guy: I’ll be fine.

*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.

M: Told you.