Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.

I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.

Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov

[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job

[ Police interrogation room ]

Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.

Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.

Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.

Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.

RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?

ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*

Barney: I love you, you love me

Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing

My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.

“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?

Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”

-Teenagers

You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.

[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force

181.

CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news

Me: for really important stuff i guess

CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs

Me: i said impor-

CNN: using chopsticks

Me: she did what

All those years of karate training wasted …

I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.

“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”

– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.

Good day meowlady

* tips cat

*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*

“Not again.”

fair

Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?

Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.

Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto

What do you call an upset reindeer?

Caribou-hoo.

*Ba-dum-tsss

I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.

I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.

I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.

Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.

Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.

Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…

With that said, scrambled it is.

it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut