[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
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I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
“The weatherman isn’t real!”
-first graders thinking the weatherman is a marvel character
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
I am a man, a man with a cold, so I guess this is goodbye.
I miss 2006 when everyone was young and dumb and easy to trick.
some BODY once told me
Luigi Mangione
Walking home and massively drunk after a rubbish party, my life not the best it’s ever been, when a dog barked at me from someone’s garden, I barked back and ended up in a blazing row with it, all in dog language. God knows what its owners must’ve thought.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
I called my wife to see if she wanted me to pick up Fish & Chips on my way home from work, and she hung up on me. I think she’s still mad that she let me name the twins.