Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides

I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.

If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.

my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk

“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway

“Not that one” I whisper moments too late

Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?

This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert

Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.

I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”

Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack

Anakin: you underestimate my power

Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*

Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now

Friend: What do you like most about Adele?

Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.

Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.

have we given a name to earth’s mini moon? may i suggest moon deng

ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*

My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.

This is not the motherhood I envisioned.

Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.

I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.

*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*

Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…

Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.

Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.

teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.

I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!

me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit

her: that’s not so bad

[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luck

her: I see

“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.

Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.

[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen

shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house

Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.

I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.

Batman had the bat signal.

If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.