Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.

I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.

[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]

“HEY! NO LITERING–”

shh wait

[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]

I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant

“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times

Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today

I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”

What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight

If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way

my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings

me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again

my grandpa: well i’ll be damned

Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.

You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me

My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera

Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?

Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!

cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion

if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.

I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…

… my lifetime.

I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.

my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her

Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.

I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.

I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.

It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.

Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.

I know that now…

“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion

Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”

You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.

[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”

So why is it that when Star Trek ‘boldly go where no one has gone before’ they always find someone there?

*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched