Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.

You know….

Squid Pro Quo

That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”

“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”

“Nope.”

“A spider? An aardvark?”

“Wrong. It’s a horse.”

“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*

why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta

What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.

Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.

My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.

Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.

My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”

I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.

I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.

Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.

Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?

Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.

you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”

Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.

Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.

wife: hey…HEY

me: *takes out earbuds*

wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?

me: *puts earbuds back in*

Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.

These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.

All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.

LOL

My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.

I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.

uh yeah, I accept. No brainer

I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”

*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.

My Alexa can now understand my toddler.

Pray for me.

My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen

Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.