Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway

Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.

When a food fight breaks out during Thanksgiving dinner, creamed corn casserole finally reaches its full potential.

[Lingerie store]

ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.

My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.

[first day as a crime scene photographer]

me: pretty weak lighting in here

*drags the corpse outside*

[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train

INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?

ME: shape shifting

INTERVIEWER: is that so?

INTERVIEWER: yes

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.

TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle

ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?

Him: My friend got me a Fitbit

Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though

Him: You can buy them online

Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!

(Entering heaven)

Jesus: You made it! One last piece of admin, can you show me your draft tweets?

Me: Ok so I just go down the stairs and keep going until warm right?

[steps on scale]

Me *shrugs*: New year, more me

I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.

Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.

I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.

[watching the news]

God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this

angel: you did sir

I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked

Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.

I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.

I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate

Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.

Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.

Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.

Ryan Reynolds Said What?!

[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*

I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.

My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”

I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”

3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”

Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”

Sleep well tonight, kid.

The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.

2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.

It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese