[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
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A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
thinking about a very short hotdog
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.