[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
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The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Wikigenius
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳