Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for

Lifeguard:

Me:

Lifeguard:

Me:

Lifeguard: I’ll say it again. We don’t handle people who are drowning financially.

I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.

who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!

One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan

me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?

car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt

airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”

its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads

My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.

Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks

6: Why are we at the vet?

Me: So our pig can’t have babies

6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?

Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch

I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.

[bicycle race]

Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait

public bathrooms: wash your hands

also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!

My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them

Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.

Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.

I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.

Hashtag blessed.

*speed date*

Her: Hi there, my name’s —

Me: Braid my hair.

When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”

People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”

*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”

I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.

You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this

Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.

Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.

90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.

The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.

Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.

Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL

Doctor:

[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”

(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂