Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.

@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!

attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon

Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.

nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon

No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.

my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.

Me: one pill pls

Pill Bottle: 37

Me: no just one pls

Pill Bottle: 37

Me: pls only one pi-

Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao

uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility

peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs

uncle ben (scared): ok.

“911, what’s the emergency?”

we were robbed. they stole the wireless router

“calm down”

also they shot my grandma or something. not sure

just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man

I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.

lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.

me: what was the hearing for?

lawyer: WHAT?

me: the hearing.

lawyer: WHAT?

Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.

*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*

i lost 4 lbs, nice

*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*

the punishment does not fit the crime

*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture

In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them

I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.

KID: Dad?

DAD: Yes, son

KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?

DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-

KID: Never mind

I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.

Send bail money.

People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math

Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string

Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.

H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.

Me: *giggles

7: You guys are being weird again.

Well well well if it isn’t the same bill I couldn’t afford to pay in a different color

OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao

added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.

*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”

Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future

*pulls up pants*

Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?

Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines