[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
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Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Seriously why do people do this to themselves?
“You drive, I’m tired.”
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Saving my good tweets for marriage
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?