Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.

*praying for world peace*
God:

Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?

A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant

M: Oh you naughty minx!

Try and stop me.

Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming

My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.

*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*

Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open

Me: No problem

A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up

Not gonna lie it felt good

I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.

I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me

Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.

A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.

Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics

[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth

I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.

It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.

Me: Nothing is set in stone.

Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.

*overheard in 6’s virtual class*

6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.

Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?

My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.

I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea

ME: I had salmon for lunch

WIFE: the L is silent, idiot

ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch

windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers

If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up

Knock knock

“Who’s there?”

“Dejav”

“Dejav who?”

Knock knock

Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.

[sees annoying coworker at store]

Him: Hey, what’s new?

Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.

Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.

Halloween costumes

Age 10: monster

Age 25: sexy fireman

Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups

Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me!

[Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting

Me: How long should I microwave this for?

Popcorn instructions: How should we know?

There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.