[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
You Might Also Like
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?