Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”

If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.

In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!

guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish

So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.

7-year-old: What’s for dessert?

Me: Eat your dinner first.

7: I need a goal.

You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”

*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?

Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…

This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead

Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.

i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph

Me: “I’ll drink to that!”

Them: “Nobody said anything.”

Me: “I’ll drink to that!”

If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.

How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.

I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.

The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.

Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.

10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.

Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?

ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.

GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?

Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space

When he asks for feet pics

I don’t know why these ingrates at the corn maze are so upset. All I did was lead them to safety with these two hands and a machete.

Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly

– autocorrect

The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.

me: how would you like the steak sir

sir: well done

me: thank you but how would you like the steak

You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien

I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.

H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.