*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
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Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
The program was great. Not only did we have a yabba dabba doo time but we had a gay old time.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
“A little help here, Danny?”
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.