Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.

I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.

I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!

Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.

Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy:

Go shopping at Target and leave them at home with their dad.

Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.

I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.

Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?

3yo: no, I like playing with myself

Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…

Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.

when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”

*phone rings*

Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.

*voicemail notification*

Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.

losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<

THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?

ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy

Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.

gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire

At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist

My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something

1900: Let’s filter coffee.

1950: We need to filter cigarettes.

1970: We should really filter water.

2015: I want to filter my face.

Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.

Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!

F2: no water

F3: no chemicals

Me: Your hair is filthy.

Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.

My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.

If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…

There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.

The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.

*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*

Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.

Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this

Inventor: Suuure

“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”

One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.