Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.

Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.

*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*

this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade

“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”

-Families making Christmas plans in 2020

growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum

You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,

Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.

COP: Tell me what you saw

ME: Jersey Boys

COP: *sighs* at the crime scene

ME: No, at the theatre

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”

*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?

A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.

Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long

Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long

so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:

[heaven’s IT department]

Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?

God: Yes, why?

Too many open windows

Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.

“I hate confrontation”

“No, you don’t”

Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.

Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.

Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.

Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.

7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.

Me: They’re just like French fries.

7: Then give me French fries.

There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.

for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”

When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:

ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.

UBER DRIVER: No.

He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.

“My lawyer will have me out in an hour.”

Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.