Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.

Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?

Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.

is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner

Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed

Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME

For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.

“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”

Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”

(Writing in food journal)

me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.

I’ve been playing fast and loose with expiration dates ever since I watched a documentary about a British man who lives entirely off road kill.

cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.

Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.

Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.

Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh

Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.

I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.

Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.

My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her

In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.

Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?

Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.

He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.

Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my report

What I imagine it’d be like if I had a job

just gave my 5yo power of attorney

I have a colonoscopy today. Yesterday, I started my prep. Haven’t ate anything in over 24 hours and drank all the laxative. It’s been a long 24 hours so far of just hanging out in my bathroom.

Just checked my phone and realized my colonoscopy is actually July 12th and not June 12th…..

I hate myself

Baker: Is there a problem?

Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!

*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”

I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’

Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.

Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.

Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.

Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.

DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!

No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.