Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”

Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…

Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.

13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go

Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora

Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.

My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.

[doing group photography]

ME: now let me take one without the flash

THE FLASH: what the-

REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes

[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else

Hey, my eyes are up here.

Nope. Higher.

– snails, probably

Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.

call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today

Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice

Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary

When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.

I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.

1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!

I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular

I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.

[sexting]

HER: I want u so bad

ME: badly

HER: what?

ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb

HER: you don’t sext very good

ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL

Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE

Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO

airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25

me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass

I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.

MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?

ME: not if i want to live

Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat

Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold

ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was

Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-

ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be

I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.

It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.

My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all

*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*