First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
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“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
If ever paramedics are trying to revive me and all else is failing, I hope someone has the good sense to play the sound of an approaching bin lorry into my ears. If that doesn’t wake me, I’m definitely dead.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
technically true but not a great slogan
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Spell check is for lasers.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Why would werewolves OR vampires need or want to go to high school
CRYING
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.