Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.

I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.

Not at all I replied.

Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.

Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.

HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK

HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK

HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK

HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK

HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES

HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING

OHHHHHHHH

Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.

a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins

The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.

Day. Made.

Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind

To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.

According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.

This bottle of vodka was on sale.

So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.

*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*

this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket

Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.

*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*

Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow

ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?

CAT: lol, no

Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.

I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him

WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?

ME: No but I have a sexy stapler

a fate I wish upon no one

If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave

The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes

My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night

I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”

“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”

Guys named Geoff.

I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.

I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.

I’m going on a work trip for a few days — but my husband has just suspiciously bought himself 3 bunt cakes in various flavors and isn’t mentioning it at all.

chat, i am full of concern

Son: Your makeup looks weird

Me: I’m not wearing any

I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?

Are you turned on?

Switch I might be!