First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…

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The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.


GENIE: you have found my lamp, so I must grant you four wishes
ME: I thought it was three?
GENIE: You need four


If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.


*starts new diet*

“Do not drink caffeine”

*ends new diet*


Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: Yeah

Cop: Oh ok nevermind


“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”


Wife: we need to improve our home
Me: agreed
Wife: remodeling the kitchen should be top priority
Me: [crosses out “get more dogs”] obviously