First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
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11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*