First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
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every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday