Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.

I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti

4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.

Him: You… just went in?

4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.

(A museum. I took them to a museum.)

My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”

I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.

*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*

*skydiving*

Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds

Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??

Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other

Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!

Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.

Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.

Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.

“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over

Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you

Me: Apology accepted

One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.

Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush

*Game Character Treatment Center*

Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here

Pac-Man: Binge eating

Lara Croft: Kleptomania

Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets

You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.

RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?

ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?

RIDDLER: Well, no, but

Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.

I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.

Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls

lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy

me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes

lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died

Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.

[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!

Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is

Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories

Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.

The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.

On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.

[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!

Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment

Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here

Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?

Birds & Planes.

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome