Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like my women how I like my microwaved food.

Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.

ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day

FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?

ME: no, I just had the one

[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog

“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots

“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”

if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm

I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.

A devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they’re both equally responsible for me failing my maneuverability test

When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.

First date:

Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick

Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.

*My parents at my birth*

Mom: she’s beautiful

Dad: she’s perfect.

Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.

Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right

I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.

The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”

my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids

me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.

Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.

My two-year olds have reached the age where they can remember when I’ve told them that we’ll do something “later” and I don’t want to overstate it but I’m pretty sure this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.

If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣

Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.

[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine

made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich

*Plot Twist*

Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.

the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards

Forever 21… pounds overweight

Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.

I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.
It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 2 hours.
Cheers🍷

Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.

Now who’s stupid? They are!

Holy shit he’s back

Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.

I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.

I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”

I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.

There is no moral to this story.