Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to end an interview:

1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN

One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.

I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single

I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.

If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse

[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down

This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.

‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.

Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’

Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet

“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.

The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.

HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF

Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.

4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!

*tries*

4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?

She’s not the first to ask me that.

I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT

dr: what happened here

me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him

dr: why

me: wasn’t his birthday I guess

Me: we should probably go to bed

Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning

Me: ok

If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified

The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter

When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.

Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese

Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.

-me, reading the Pringles can.

Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed

Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.

friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.

me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally

I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”

Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”

[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?

me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no

I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?

Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?