[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
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Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
My cousin started a group chat and I’m about 3 real questions away from them kicking me out.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
When asked my name, I always hesitate because I still can’t decide between “David” and “Dave”. The delay makes me sound like an idiot who doesn’t know his own name. Which I suppose I am.
Friend: I feel like half of the country is upset about the election.
Me: (knowing how votes work) slightly less than half.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
traffic be dumb as hell cause what that first person in line be doing
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
