Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.

me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up

boss: hey we’re in a meeting

me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me

I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.

It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”

spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe

First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?

He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.

*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*

Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.

My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.

rip to my favourite tweet

The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours

As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?

Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?

Because I didn’t.

(my first day in customer service)

Caller: I can’t understand you.

Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…

Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”

Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts

But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.

For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.

[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]

[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.

Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.

CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT

Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.

What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?

You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.

I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.

69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.

Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.

Dracula: You can’t be serious.

“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”

~men about to have their bunny boiled

[barbarians at the gate]

Me: I just need to let this song finish…

dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife

My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it

one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar