Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.

I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up

Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.

Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies

ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT

He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…

Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”

KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it

MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious

– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.

Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.

i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either

It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.

If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.

If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you

My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.

I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!

The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.

I will hear no other opinions on this matter.

And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”

Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.

The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.

A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities

If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on

Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.

I have also decided to not buy Twitter.

*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME

dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests

date 5: i don’t think the moon is real

Enjoying a few cups of coffee at my enormous kitchen island while being scrutinized by my two friends, one of whom has a torso that is physically inside the island

I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable

Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.

The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.