Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”

I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”

All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.

I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”

If the zombie apocalypse happens we’re double screwed because at least 70 million are on record as having no brain

I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…

Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.

The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time

the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product

Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*

Wife: So…what do you think?

Me: I asked for an iPhone

I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.

Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.

5: wow, you look so pretty

Me: thank yo—

5: with your sunglasses on

Me: am I pretty without them?

*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*

5: sure

OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.

Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?

What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.

Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine

Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.

~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~

We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.

Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.

Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”

Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.

Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?

Seen but not heard

[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty

The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did

Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though

Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here

[At the register]

“Find everything ok?”

“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”

My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.

Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”

Do I laugh or….?