[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
You Might Also Like
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
My favorite part of Furiosa is when that guy gets killed and falls off a moving vehicle.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.