Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.

Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.

Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning

[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]

Doctor: What the hell?

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If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…

5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner

Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]

Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body

*At the couch store

“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”

Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.

*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now

I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”

If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.

When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.

the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.

Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.

Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.

If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.

Denise please return my vape pen

Me: I never use essential oils

Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire

When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.

Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.

We are not the same.

I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.

***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people

Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO

grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?

me: no. one only.

“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?

Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.

someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.

someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.

I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.

@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.