[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
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Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Them crunching noisily: These cookies you made are huge!
Me: those are chocolate chip pancakes
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
is this how new cars are made??
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”