@sock_holliday

[FIRST DATE]

Me: I don’t know if you think this is weird but you remind me of my mother

Her: Can I put her picture down yet?

Me: I’ll tell you when you can put the picture down Rebecca

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@Book_Krazy

Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]

Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males

@crmotwo

*First day and last day as sex-ed teacher*

“Okay everyone grab a partner.”

@Kamikaze_Blonde

Some days parenting’s like The Sound of Music but with less singing and more hiding from the Nazis.

@TheAlexP

*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*

Me: want a piece?

Her: wrong, whole.

@TheAlexNevil

I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.

@VenisVal

Boss: Why put off until tomorrow what you can do today?

Me: It’ll be higher quality and less tense for everyone if we wait?

Boss: Today!

@protolalia

Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?

@lisaxy424

HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG