I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
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“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.