Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Me: I don’t know if you think this is weird but you remind me of my mother
Her: Can I put her picture down yet?
Me: I’ll tell you when you can put the picture down Rebecca
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*First day and last day as sex-ed teacher*
“Okay everyone grab a partner.”
Some days parenting’s like The Sound of Music but with less singing and more hiding from the Nazis.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Boss: Why put off until tomorrow what you can do today?
Me: It’ll be higher quality and less tense for everyone if we wait?
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Sorry I ate your snacks but nothing lasts forever anyway.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.