Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad

[coming out of coma]

Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*

Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.

I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.

supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’

definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life

I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.

[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET

I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs

Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care

Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that

I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.

“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”

It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer

professor x: whats your superpower?

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.

But it’s not the “worst way” either…

Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.

[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice

my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kids

my quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden

I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.

Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.

*pats belly*

Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?

Me: Yes. Nachos.

me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you

“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.

I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”

torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*

me: please, no! I have a baby!

torturer: how old?

me: three months

torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that

Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?

Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*

*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin

I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.

WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool

Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.

*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.

My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.

So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.