Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Eat right and exercise?!?…

I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”

Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.

Then eat it in front of them.

I’m a go getter

And right now I’m a go getter nap

The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.

*Followed*

A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.

We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.

Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”

The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.

#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill

*Weird bird sound in the distance*

4 year old: “what’s that ?”

Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”

4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation

11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?

Me: Just brush your teeth.

[a duel]

Him: Choose your weapons.

Me: Um…banjos.

Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.

*eating freshly baked cookies*

4: I want lots more!

Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache

4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!

The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time

Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed

Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?

“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”

– Abraham LinkedIn

I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.

My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”

Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work

Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.

I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.

would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole

Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are

So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.

Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.

3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving

Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.

3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”

😬

there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples

My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.

If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.

[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?

Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.

@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck

Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.